So You Want to Start a Restaurant

There are few businesses as unforgiving as gastronomy. The restaurant and bar business takes no prisoners, offers no quarter and shows no mercy. In its wake are countless thousands, millions whom it has bankrupted. The line between success and failure may be determined by a single person, and not necessarily a critic or even regular customer.

There is a good reason Ramsay is so vicious. There is a good reason Bourdain is so harsh. It's a matter of life and death... that of the restaurant and the solvency of its owner.

I'm going to interject occasionally with stories about Karl. Karl bought a successful restaurant and drove it into the ground. Only those who know the gastro industry well and know Karl believe these stories aren't manufactured. They're true. Every Karl anecdote can be verified.

In Munich there is an 80% chance that a restaurant which opens today will not be open 365 days later. Five to one, baby. One in five. No one here gets out alive. From this statistic comes the blog's title. About two-thirds of these owners are clueless jackasses. They fall into four primary categories: dreamers, schemers, steamers and creamers.

Dreamers: People who have never worked in the industry but see how successful those who make it might become and want to get in on the action.
Schemers: People with an ego who hope -- as restauranteurs -- to mingle with the rich and famous.
Steamers: People who want to be in charge of something, never mind they don't know the proper way to sit on a bull much less hang on for eight seconds with one hand.
Creamers: People who can cook well for friends who then egg them on to open a jernt.

The Dreamers are just cluess fuckwits. That's it. 'Nuff said. Many have never even worked a single day at McD's much less worked in the kitchen or front of house to understand even the most basic concepts of how a restaurant works. A large percentage of this group are also Steamers. They buy a place which is going under or has already died without knowing the first thing about how to decide what to charge or what should be on the menu. Hi, Karl!

The Schemers have no chance. They're in it for the wrong reasons. They may also be Dreamers. They can and will spend their life savings and incur a metric fuckton of debt in order to hire the best of the best of the best, sir. And they will fail.

Steamers are easy to identify: they go through staff faster than they go through rolls of toilet paper. God complexes. When Steamers are offered help by those in the know they ignore the advice and may well do the exact opposite just to demonstrate they're in charge. Karl is also a Steamer.

I really feel sorry for Creamers. Honestly. This is the only group who are in it for the right reasons -- a love of food &/or service -- but have no business running a commercial enterprise.

A buddy of mine once told me that he never plays poker with friends. "If you're not there to rip the other guys' hearts out and bankrupt them," he explained, "you're there to throw away your cash." Black and white, day and night, 100% spot on. Even if you're playing for pennies, you're either there to take the copper or lose your brass.

Most Creamers get into the business because they can cook well at home and host nice dinner parties. Their friends convince them of their excessive talent and push them to go into business. They do so... and fail. Cooking for friends is not the same as cooking in a restaurant, not even cooking a holiday dinner for 24. Not even when you serve restaurant-style on plates rather than with large serving dishes to be passed around.

Running a restaurant is first and foremost a matter of logistics. If you can't organise and plan, you can't own a restaurant. If you try you'll be just so much canon fodder, a cheap supply of barely-used equipment which the rest of us (along with some of the next crop of dreamers, schemers, steamers and creamers) will pick up at half price at auction when your place goes under. And while I appreciate your willingness to subsidise my equipment costs, there's a very small part of me buried deep within that wishes, for your sake, that this hadn't happened to you.

Consider two cooks for a Thanksgiving meal: Alice and Bob. Alice starts checking her recipes and begins shopping a week before, starts her preparations on Tuesday, wakes up at 4:00a.m. on Thursday and slaves in the kitchen all day to serve the meal. Bob gets drunk every night, goes shopping the day before, grabs a pile of meat and veg thinking, "Ah, fuck it. I'll come up with something," then wakes up around noon Thursday to serve dinner before 6:00p.m.

Alice has worked hard and prepared her meal with care and consideration. Bob amkes sure everyone eats. Of course I'd prefer Alice's meal but if I go to a restaurant, I'm getting Bob's food. Alice is a "creamer"; Bob is a cook. The biggest difference is that Bob will be able to make the exact same thing taste the exact same way next year. This is vital for a restaurant.

Just as you don't want to see how that cow in the pasture next to the highway becomes a steak in a shiny plastic package at the supermarket, you don't want to know how your food in a restaurant is prepared. Know that it tastes good and that a professional made it, tuck in, and enjoy.